Hi! Oh, I’m sorry, you thought I GAVE a shit?!
2. Sexism. If he expects you to cook and clean, forget him. It’s the 21st century, and you’re not a Stepford Housewife (well, maybe you are, but that’s another issue altogether). If he’s shunning his domestic duties, have the toilet brush delivered to his workdesk. If he continually demands culinary treats, tell him, in the politest of terms, to bake his own fucking Victoria Sponge. Followed by a sweet smile, of course. Venom is a dish best served sugary!
I’m not your little lady.
3. Stinginess. For example, asking to go halves on the first dinner date – or to go ‘dutch’, as some absolute losers deem it. If he’s asked you out and he’s got the dollar, then he should pay. And if he doesn’t have the dollar, then, err, why are you even at the restaurant with him? Who cares what wave of feminism we’re riding, chivalry still matters. As does a platinum credit card. Yes it’s shallow, but at the end of the day, you want to be with a McGyver not a McFiver. “Honey, could I get that 50p back from you?” Honey, you’re dumped.
4. Dad jokes. If a man can’t hold the floor or command an audience with his witticisms by now, you can pretty much expect a lifetime of boredom and social embarrassment. He doesn’t have to be the next Chris Rock or Tom Stade (who, FYI, is frigging HOT) but neither should his sense of humour match that of the Chuckle Brothers’. The strain of fake laughter will increase wrinkles and, unless he’s willing to pay for a lifetime of Botox, you have no option but to get rid. “Sweetpea, I’ve got a good one! Why did the chicken cross the road?” …To see a divorce lawyer?
5. Bad facial hair. This includes but is not limited to: Elvis sideburns (get out of the 50s), a handlebar ‘tache, preened eyebrows or a creepy little goatee. After all, nobody wants to date the devil’s minion.
This should never, ever have happened. (image: imeinc.net)
6. Childish taste in music. If he’s of a mature age yet his music collection still consists of a) Jack Johnson, b) Kaiser Chiefs, c) 50 Cent, or d) anything metal related, BIN HIM. Otherwise you will soon be saddled with an emotionally stunted twit.
7. Still lives at home. Date a man-child, and suffer the consequences. These include laziness, lack of independence, and long stints of breastfeeding. Seriously, you’ll never be better than his mummy, so don’t bother trying. However, if these traits do appeal to you, England is a vast place and there are plenty of men willing to fill this role.
Sexy, everything about you’s so sexyyyy
8. ‘Platonic’ female friends. You are the queen of his world, he must accept this.
9. Terrible fashion sense. Football jerseys, bootcut jeans (in particular Levi’s 501) and thick, pinstriped shirts are all huge fashion fails. However, there is one male accessory which by far outweighs all fashion crimes… the MAN CHOKER. A hideous piece of jewellery which is often bought on one’s ‘gap yah’ or a lad’s holiday to Shagaluf. Ditch the dirt-encrusted necklace, sweetheart, and invest in a Rolex. Superdry, Abercrombie & Fitch and Fred Perry are all brands which should have been burnt at the tender age of 15. Beware the preppy type, too – they fail to understand that wearing Abercrombie doesn’t automatically make them look like this…
Hey baby, howyohdooeh?
10. He can’t dance. Hips don’t lie and if he’s incapable of pulling out a few moves on the dancefloor then chances are he’ll be pretty stiff in the bedroom… and not in a good way. You want a man to sweep you off your feet – not spin you into a hot mess of mortification.
11. Two braincells. Dating a pretentious know it all is never fun, but you do want your man to have the type of intellect that can charm as well as challenge you, and which can earn him a good wage (and by default, enable him to buy you nice shit). You can easily suss out whether the guy has the intelligence of a gnat via a brief text exchange. Major grammatical boo-boos such as ‘I’m on route’, ‘your so beautiful’, and an over usage of lol / rofl / smiley faces will tell you everything you need to know. Just imagine the engagement proposal – it’s not likely to be eloquent, let’s put it that way. Dumb and rich can be a killer combo though – he may not understand the concept of a pre-nup.
12. An aversion to the gym. Moobs, saggy arse cheeks, a pot belly and withering biceps are only acceptable among 80+ year old billionaires.
People accused Bambi of being a golddigger. She just happened to get turned on by liver spots.
13. Teetotalism. This signals one of three things: a) He is dull, b) He is not to be trusted, c) He is an ex-alcoholic. And drinking, as we all know, is far too wonderful a hobby to give up. Mid-morning tequilas, anyone?
Yeeeeah. It’s peanutbutterjelly time.
14. Loves other men. “Is he gay, or just a bit European?” If you even have to ponder this question, HE’S GAY. Common signs of latent homosexuality include a) Refusing sex, b) An interest in tag football, c) Asking for a pokey-bum-wank during a rare sexual encounter, d) An empty pack of Immac and an increase in plug blockage, e) Requesting that you dress up in his American Football kit during sex, taking you from behind and yelling ‘TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN!’. This is especially suspect if he happens to be British.
15. Doesn’t own a yacht. Quite frankly it’s the least every woman deserves.
Hell yeah baby, I can afford a new pair of lungs whenever I want. (image: worldtvpc.com)
Bambi and Jet 